What is Family?

November 2009

Having left my place of origin and blood relations when I was 17 years old, I have asked myself for a long time, “What is family?”  This was a discussion that my life companion who recently died and I had regularly, exploring the feelings and images aroused within us when we thought of or sought family. And when someone you love so much dies, where does that leave your sense of family?

I believe we have three kinds of family: blood family, chosen family and the ‘world’ family. Sometimes these three families are interwoven but often they exist on planes of their own, particularly if you leave your hometown.

For me, my blood family gives me a sense of unconditional love. I know that even though my beliefs and lifestyle choices differ from theirs, they are always there to welcome me into their homes: my folks, my grandmother, my brothers, my aunts and uncles. I could never feel abandoned as long as they live. Their home is an open door of nourishment and support. This sense of family is more uplifting and empowering, next to my relationship with God, than anything else I have ever known. It is the wind beneath my wings. I cannot imagine what it is like for those who have never had blood family to celebrate their successes, sympathize with their sorrows, and reflect their ancestry to them. I feel immeasurably blessed by having a large blood family to return to again and again throughout the phases of my life.

Chosen family, to me, are those friends that share common interests and mutual beliefs, enough that you want to hang out with them year after year and hear what they are doing, how they are, being inspired by and inspiring one another.  You have a regular relationship with them or would if they lived closer. Perhaps one becomes a mate, a child or children come forth and new blood family is created.  Because there is no blood shared with one’s mate, or chosen family, something has to be built and nourished that arises in its own essence as strong as the life force of blood, so that it will last.

Our world family is all the inhabitants of this planet earth. We are all on this spinning globe together, whether we want to be or not, doing the best we can, using the same air and water and soil and sun to grow, and what one of us does ALWAYS directly or indirectly affects the other. Let us hold all beings in our heart as family. That does not mean you have to live with them, or believe what they do. You do not even have to like them. But love is another vibration that is essential to family.

What are those qualities that make a family, any family, strong and lasting? They are first and foremost an appreciation and respect for that person FOR WHO THEY ARE, not who you want them to be. And then you hold them dear to your heart, with pure thought, loving them even when they do not make sense to you, coming to them if you can if there is a matter that needs understanding or change. Our speech of them is uplifting and respectful and caring, just like we would want to be spoken of by anyone. Since we are not perfect and make mistakes, Forgiveness is also key in families. And we give our time and energy to our family, while taking care of our own selves, too. We give and we receive.

And when someone who is your family dies, whether blood or chosen, it must be the remaining family that holds the ties together, to keep the love and memory of that special one alive and to understand the grieving process with you.

Families of all kinds literally ‘bleed’ into one another, and this is what keeps them going century after century.

Over the holidays coming up, look around you and ask yourself, “What is Family?” Give thanks for your beloved family, for being alone in this world is really impossible. We are all interdependent. It is a blessing to be in the arms of family, where there is endless potential for expressing love.

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